Something that happened last night made me realize some very striking things about myself.
My girlfriend and I were at a restaurant with some friends and she had a few drinks, and got a bit intoxicated. As a side effect (whether from the alcohol or just being more comfortable around the group) she was also more talkative and interacted with people a lot more, which is something I've always encouraged her to do. But under non-intoxicated circumstances, she would not be as talkative or interactive, save with a few people. Eventually, she said that she was not feeling well and I suggested getting fresh air. Once we were outside, I suggested that I take her home, being that she was pretty drunk, and I was concerned and wanted her to be safe. (which was true) It took some convincing, but I was able to get her into my car, grab her coat, and get somewhere. That somewhere just happened to be a park not too far away, where we proceeded to get naked and have a bit of fun in my car. What we did not expect is the three police cars that showed up and asked what we were doing naked in a park. My girlfriend, still being intoxicated, kinda got in a small argument with the police officer about the specifics of our activities. Luckily, I believe the officer let us go because I explained that I was the DD and that we would leave right away. So we left.
I didn't even get time to put my underwear on.
Later on, we returned to the restaurant to find our friends still there. I was tired, but I had promised that I would be back, and I wanted to keep that promise. My girlfriend was still a bit intoxicated but (and this is my opinion), seemed a little put off. She said she was going to stop talking at one point, and just seemed angry for a bit afterwards. I'm not sure what happened, honestly. At the end of the night, when we decided to head out, she got up close and personal to one of my friends and, according to him (he texted me later) seemed mad at him. He was ok with it all, but he voiced that it was weird and awkward. But I got her home safely, and said goodnight. I was so tired that I fell asleep almost instantly when my head hit my pillow. I woke up this morning and was still tired.
Now on to how I FEEL.
....What this made me feel is that I probably could've done more to help things not get to the point of making people feel uncomfortable or feel weird. I feel responsible for it, even though I'm not sure if i should. But I felt I could not communicate effectively, and i might have just agitated the situation, which wouldn't have helped, or made her feel bad about it, which I did not want to do. I know I would have felt like a jerk afterwards if I did say anything. I can't confirm it, but I have this nagging feeling that people are judging me, based on my girlfriend's behavior. Why this would matter to anyone, including me, I do not know. I don't know why, and I'm sure its just me being paranoid, but it still feels like that.
I tried my best, and I remember her saying that my taking care of her wasn't something I would do just for a girlfriend, but something I would do for anyone. And she's right. I would do that for any one of my friends. Anyone I cared about. But I also let her know that I wanted make sure she was ok, and that I made that choice to do so. While I do not think that it was a choice between my girlfriend and my friends, some might call it some sort of favoritism towards someone I am in a relationship with. But I did return to my friends, albeit a bit later than intended.
But.... I took this way too seriously, and it ended up making me tie my brain in all sorts of knots trying to figure it out. I needed (and probably still need) to see the humor in it, and relax about it. If people want to judge, let them. They can live with their judgements and predispositions about me or who I am in a relationship with. I have greater, more important things to focus on than one night that didn't go exactly as intended. ^_^