It's not a feeling, just a fact.

 I talked with a friend of mine recently and it came to my attention that a certain portion of the people I hang out with do not like my girlfriend. For whatever reasons I have been able to glean from what they have said, it seems like it mostly has to do with her personality, or her attitude towards them. She has always been a quiet person, and she doesn't really interact with these guys on as frequent a basis as I do, so I speculated to her that if she maybe got out more and spent time letting them get to know her, that opinion might change. She and I also had another conversation recently, where she stated that she doesn't hang out around this group because she is further along in her life than any of them are, professionally, educationally and such. She is doing better than they are, in her own words, she's better than them. She's further along than me in my educational scale in some regards. And she knows that. She doesn't proclaim it, but she is secure in that belief. She apologized to me for thinking so, but I don't think anyone really needs an apology, especially not me.

I'm unsure of how to handle that situation. I'm not sure if I want to talk to my friends to find out more about why they disapprove of her, but I'm not sure it would help. I talked to her and said that regardless of their opinions of her, it wouldn't necessarily affect my opinion of her. I have to rescind that statement. it did. And for the most part, I know that it's not a positive change. I mean, I admire that she is confident enough in her sense of self to say that, but at the same time, I'm not sure about what that means to me. I have ideas, though, and none of them seem....good.

I know that I have been distancing myself lately from a lot of people, including her. But I wonder if it's because of this conversation that I have been...more distant lately. Or if it's from...well. something much worse than just a conversation with a friend.

The Fox and The Scorpion

I'm sure most everyone knows the story of the fox and the scorpion.

A scorpion was walking along the bank of the river, wondering how to get to the other side.

Suddenly he saw a fox. He asked the fox to take him on his back across the river.

The fox said, "No. If I do that, you'll sting me and I'll drown."

The scorpion assured him, "If I did that, we'd both drown."

So the fox thought about it and finally agreed. So the scorpion climbed up on his back and the
fox began to swim. But halfway across the river, the scorpion stung him.

As the poison filled his veins, the fox turned to the scorpion and said,
"Why did you do that? Now you'll drown too."

"I couldn't help it," said the scorpion. "It's my nature."

This entry is about nature, or habit. I think it applies well to human beings. We do bad things, good things, and everything in between because it is in our nature, and it always will be. If someone is a murderer, or a rapist, given the opportunity, they might make the same choice again. Not because they are crazy. Not because they are emotionless. But they are programmed by our very human nature to do so.

There was a story about a 14 year old girl who's parents were going through a bitter divorce. The girl got sick and tired of her father being there, so she accused him of rape. The courts didn't listen, didn't give him a chance to defend himself. Sentenced him to 12 years in jail. 11 years in, the girl came and confessed that she had lied about the entire ordeal. But this man, her FATHER, lost 11 years of his life because his daughter just wanted to. The daughter will not be getting charged, will not be going to jail or serving time. And yet she did an unkind deed to a family member. We kill, cheat, lie, steal and hurt others, and for what? A slight benefit, a slight edge. Maybe even a slightly better life. But there was no reason for this. And I can think of many other injustices in this world that are similar.

In my own life, I have experienced this. I feel like all my so called friends are only scorpions, waiting for me to ferry them across the river, me never knowing that they are just waiting for a time to strike at me, to pull the rug out from under me. I refuse to let that happen.

Between Rocks and Hard Places....

I've failed a good number of times in my life. At multiple things; some important, some not so much. Most of the time, these are things I can get past, things I can get over. Occasionally, these moments stick with me, like a splinter in my head. Maybe to remind me of past mistakes, maybe because I just have a good memory. I'd like to think its the former.

I have failed my relationship. In being not just a good boyfriend, but a good person. I have not given my relationship, and the person it involves the respect and communication they deserve. And I have no right to feel like they are just being angry, because they are angry, with good reason to be. I needed to see it from their perspective, to realize that failure to communicate, or to keep plans, or even to text back more often, is something that I have to work on, and put effort into. I hate to say that this is not the first time I have been called out on something like this, consideration for others. It shouldn't be something people should have to get used to, or just deal with. And maybe, this is one of the more pressing reasons as to why the subject matter of my previous posts happened. If people don't think I am being considerate, why should they be that way to me?

I feel like I have had to divide my time between my family and my relationship. I feel like while being loyal to my family, my romantic relationship suffers. While being loyal to my relationship, my family relationship suffers. It's like I can never win at this. I always end up between rocks and hard places when it comes to this. And I can never seem to figure things out until it's too late. I don't want it to get to that point. I don't want to have to see things go south with both. I have to try harder. I have to be a better brother/son....and a better boyfriend at the same time, no matter how stressful it might get. It will be different, maybe even difficult; but it is possible, right?

I've failed my family, my friends, my relationships. And in all this, I realize that the people that have called me out on this are not trying to make me feel bad, at least not only that. They are trying to teach me that following through, and showing consideration for their time, money, and feelings is worth it, even if it seems like the difference between a rough rock, and a really shiny, smooth rock. Still the same rock, but one looks better. One feels better. Consideration, on your part to someone else that you care about, comes back.

Maybe that's what I've been missing.

Pleased to make your acquaintance....

Recently, I began thinking about the difference between acquaintance and a friend, namely in my own life. I feel as if none of my friends, or at least what they say they are to me and to each other, is actually true. Yes, we get together once every week, but outside of that, no one really seems to hang out with one another, or so I thought.

It seems that no one puts forth any effort to contact me. And while I guess I could put forth the effort, I never really felt like I had not been trying, at least not until today, when it was pointed out that I might not make myself as accesible or approachable to people. Maybe I rub them the wrong way, and that makes them believe that I am not open to seeing them outside of our once-a-week dinner. 

But I do not feel that I can call these people my friends any longer. Acquaintances maybe, but not friends. Friends has a stronger meaning than what I believe these people feel for me. And that's sad, because it is a large group of people that I am discriminating against, putting into one definition that I can feel comfortable not feeling sympathetic or empathetic towards. That I don't feel guilty about. And maybe that's the point of all of this. I know I don't have to put forth the effort of caring so much about people who I believe do not care enough to warrant a phone call, or a text, besides to ask if I'm mad at them, or something stupid like asking for money. 

That is a giant weight off of my shoulders. 

Roses, chocolates and promises you don't intend to keep...

So, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. The one day where most human beings try to get other human beings to take their clothes off and make some sexy time by way of gifts sold by companies who make money off of said gifts. The day has become a marketing campaign, with stores and services marking up prices of everything related to the day. People who really want to go all out have to spend huge amounts of money, where those who do not, while not having to spend as much money, still end up spending more than intended just to make someone, whether its their spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, partner, e.t.c. feel happy and loved. On average, the Valentine's Day profits for companies is somewhere around $15 billion dollars. People end up spending an average of $154 on the object of their affection on the lover's day.

My point....Shouldn't you be doing that already through your actions? I mean, most people have this glorified idea of what their spouse or significant other should do to make them happy. But shouldn't just spending time with the person you care about be the purpose of this day? I'd like to think that it is, but apparently we as a species lost the meaning of the day in cards, chocolates and letters of adoration written by Hallmark.

I have this theory about Valentine's Day. I believe that every woman, no matter how much they downplay that they don't want anything, or that they don't think Valentine's Day is important, still get flattered when someone gets them roses, or chocolates, or stuffed teddy bears holding hearts. Because that means that someone, somewhere, was thinking enough about them to send them something that clearly says, "Hey, I really like you/enjoy your company/want you to know that you are in my thoughts." And that's enough, I think.

But, I can't say that I haven't spent money on the people I care for this Valentine's Day. So maybe I am guilty of that as well. But I feel it's not so much the quantity as much as the quality. ^_^